We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course.. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a proposal for a separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).
We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved celebrities, drugged-out rock stars, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, Ted Nugent fans and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and God and give you NBC and Hollywood.
We'll keep the Gulf Refineries, Texas, and Alaska, since you think fossil fuels are the scourge of the earth; and we'll drill in deep water as much as we please. You enjoy powering your cities with windmills.
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security. YOU are on your own.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, Bhuddism, Atheism, Paganism, and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Prius and Smart Car you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is earned and not a stipend to be handed down or dictated. We'll keep Dixie,The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World. If you like country music, then you're welcome to keep the Dixie Chicks.
We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
As far as custody goes, we'll welcome anyone in your half that shares our beliefs and believes in rights to join us. Be warned, though, that we reserve the right to close our borders without apologies.
Would you agree to this?
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